It has come to my attention, good friends, that I have not yet discussed in full a subject that is near and dear to my heart: Pie.
Pie, if you were to ask my opinion, is one of the most important foods in our culture. There are a great many desserts and food, but what dish is served at every one of your newfangled “United States’” holidays?
There are many types of pie. There are meat pies, which are the favorite of the High Prince. Every festival, he’ll steal one or two and sneak off to eat them in secret (this will usually result in him being attacked in a flurry of meat-pie-loving righteous fury by my best friends Emr and Meron). There are fish and seafood pies, which are a favorite in my homeland, especially on the Day of the Ships (our version of your Thanksgiving. Except it’s kinda a few millennia older…). There are even pies made of nuts or sugar or both!
While these can be quite good, there is only one kind that rules them all. The best, the most true, most pure, most import species of pie: Fruit Pies.
(In case you are wondering, I’m not counting pumpkin. Pumpkin pie is an imposter. One simply should not make pies of vegetable skins. It’s just wrong.).
Fruit pie is the epitome of all dessert. Why, do you ask? What about cake, everyone loves cake?
The answer is simple—pie is healthier for you. After all, cake is just flower and sugar and stuff. Pie is made of flower, sugar, stuff and fruit. Fruit, everyone knows, is much healthier for you. So not does it only have the same ingredients as cake, it tops it by one (with a healthy ingredient!)!
Also, there are as many possibilities for flavors of pie as there are fruit in the world—apple and berry, pear and cherry, peach and lemon and lime and orange, etc. etc., but how many options do you have for cake? Chocolate, vanilla, red velvet, lemon, coconut… and that’s about it (no one speak to me of carrot cake, for the same reason that I ignore the existence of pumpkin pie).
Thirdly, and most importantly… the cake is a lie. Everyone knows that. Who can tell what kind of flavor may be lurking beneath the icing? Who knows what horrors lie within the icing itself? Something that hides its true nature beneath layers of sugar and sweetness just cannot be trusted.
But you can trust pie. A pie won’t lie to you. You can poke a knife in a pie and almost immediately guess what kind it is. A pie won’t have creepy, weird ingredients thrown in just to torture you (like all the innocent looking cookies at weddings and parties that by some strange coincidence are all coconut).
Pie: 3 bazillion
Besides these obvious advantages, there is another aspect. What use is a cake, except to eat, look pretty, and perhaps (if it’s lucky) to be thrown at someone. But pie has many, varied uses such as:
1. A wake up call: what better smell is there to wake up to than the hot puff of air from a fresh baked apple pie?
2. A peace offering: with cake, it’s easy to run into people who are allergic to chocolate, or nuts, or coconut. But who is allergic to fruit? If you want to give a peace offering to the neighbor you’ve been spatting with or an entire enemy nation, pie is the way to go.
3. Celebrations: if you bake a cake for a friend, you’ll spend ages agonizing over the icing and stuff, trying to make it look nice because we expect our cakes to look all smooth and fancy-shmancy. But a pie? It can be lumpy, smooth, perfectly formed, slightly burned on the very tip, we don’t care. It’s still yummy.
4. Meals: This applies more to meat pies (which, while yummy, are inferior to the fruity breed). Consider: which would you eat for supper—a cake made of meat (frosting and all) or a pie made of meat, with a nice, crispy, buttery crust and tons of gravy on the inside?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
5. Cheering up: A pie fills both your tummy and your heart. Pies are famous as a way of cheering up sad or miserable people. I myself have used pie to help my friends and family out of the blues numerable times (such as a time I dropped a berry pie onto the High Prince. He was so busy chasing us screaming bloody murder he had no time to be sad. It was brilliant).
6. Inspiration: Food powers the brain! Many a time has my author been mulling over a difficult problem and solved it while munching thoughtfully on pie. Of course, one could make this argument for cake, but one must remember point 1 (aka, pie is healthier). Also, pie plates caused the invention of the Frisbee. You can’t say the same about cake plates. Actually, cake plates don’t even exist. So there.
7. Humor: honestly, do I even need to mention this? Clowns and cream pies, people. There is nothing better than watching a pie splatter across someone’s face. Well, except eating it, of course ;).
8. Fighting: This use, I admit, is a little more rare, but a dear friend of mine once used pies to help save an entire kingdom! Smashing a pie with a ceramic plate into someone’s heads is quite effective.
There are, of course, many other examples, but I believe I have made my point. Pie is the greatest dessert of all time, and yet, sadly, it does not get enough credit. But perhaps one day that might change, and we will set pie upon the pedestal it deserves to inhabit.
Alas, now it is time for me to depart—all this talk about pie has been making me hungry, and my Mammami just finished baking my favorite berry pie and I can smell it from here. Farewell, and eat more pie, my friends!
*The views expressed by Nikken are entirely his own and may or may not be shared by his author