The Universe

On Modern Ideas of Female Battle-Wear

Well met, my friends! Wednesday has come around again, and so here I am with my thoughts on life and the universe (not on apple pie though–that’ll be Jese’s thing sometime soon).

A little while ago, I was watching my author play World of Warcraft. And as I’m watching, I notice the armor some of the women are wearing, and I have one question: Who on earth thought the metal bikini was a good idea?

I mean, really. Are all women warriors supposed to be some kind of suicide squad?

Where I come from, armor is very important. It protects you. It saves your life. It’s expensive. Way more metal and time goes into armor than into swords or spears. The High King does his best to ensure every member of his army gets high-quality equipment, but for travelers or normal people defending their homes, that isn’t always possible. I’m lucky, because I come from a wealthy family. When I have adventures or go to war, I’m always well-equipped. Many people don’t have that chance–they have to make do with boiled leather armor, usually with inset metal rings for extra protection. It’s better than nothing, but not as good as a well-made breastplate and chain-mail hauberk. If you have armor, you want to make sure it protects you. You take good care of it. When you go into battle, you know the armor you wear will do it’s part in protecting you.

I cannot imagine feeling confident marching into battle wearing something that exposes even a little of my stomach. Ships, you’re exposing one your most vulnerable spots to the enemy! Stomach wounds are a particularly painful and lingering way to die. I’ve been in battle, I’ve seen what it’s like. The only way I can see armor like that ever being helpful is if every enemy you face dies from laughter when they see what you’re wearing.

Yes, sometimes you are forced to fight without wearing any armor at all. I have relatives who are very skilled in the way of the sword who almost never use plate armor because it. But they usually at least use mail-studded boiled leather vests, and they don’t fight without shirts on unless they’re attacked in the middle of the night. Sometimes not even then–the more paranoid ones often wear leather vests to bed (I have some odd relatives).

I have female relatives that fight. They wear the exact same things that we do–sometimes they wear even more armor than we men (Yes, your Highness, I’m counting myself among the men. You can stop laughing now, I’m trying to concentrate).

The same thing goes for superhero costumes. Wearing little more than a bikini is asking for the villains to kill you (and don’t get me started on fighting in high heels. The very thought makes my mother and my cousin Enna go off into peals of high-pitched laughter). Personally, I think the defeat of injustice would be more effective if you’re not dead.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that the whole metal bikini thing isn’t a smart way to go. I’m also not knocking World of Warcraft or the superhero industry–just saying that their idea of female fighting gear doesn’t really make any sense. So a heads up to all you people out there–if you ever fall into  portal or something and end up in an epic fantasy world, be careful. If they offer you metal bikinis, refuse politely and ask for a standard mail shirt, maybe a breastplate. Trust me, it’ll go a long way towards keeping you alive.

Farewell! May your paths be straight!

Until next time,

~Nikken

 

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